Popping Pussies Into Pies!

[Phillypinto]

Posted: 9/3/15 at 3:29pm

Funniest Musical Theatre lyrics?

[carolineorchange21]

Posted: 9/3/15 at 3:37pm

CHARLOTTE:
A weekend in the country--

ANNE:
But it's frightful!

CHARLOTTE:
No, you don't understand.
A weekend in the country
Is delightful
If it's planned.
Wear your hair down, and a flower,
Don't use makeup, dress in white.
She'll grow older by the hour
And be hopelessly shattered by Saturday night.
Spend a weekend in the country.

ANNE:
We'll accept it!

CHARLOTTE:
I'd a feeling you would.

ANNE & CHARLOTTE:
A weekend in the country--

ANNE:
Yes! It's only polite that we should.

CHARLOTTE:
Good!

[Phillypinto]

Posted: 9/3/15 at 3:45pm

Singing pork, Dancing Veal, what an entertaining meal!

[BroadwayConcierge]

Posted: 9/3/15 at 3:46pm

"Bless this bride, totally insane, slipping down the drain"

[luvcaroline]

Posted: 9/3/15 at 4:21pm

"Wouldn't do in my shop!

just the thought of its enough to make you sick!

and I'm tellin' you them **** cats is quick!"

 

Funniest lyrics in in the history of Broadway musicals

 

Edit:  sorry about the *****. Not sure where they came from. 

 

Updated On: 9/3/15 at 04:21 PM

[Smaxie]

Posted: 9/3/15 at 4:26pm

I love Sheldon Harnick's "Someone's Been Sending Me Flowers" from Shoestring Revue.

 

Someone’s been sending me flowers

Oh, what a sweet thing to do.

Every new day brings another bouquet

And I don’t know who to say thank you to

 

Sometimes they’re thrown through my window

Or down through the chimney they fall

Sometimes at night when I’ve turned out the light

They come through a crack in the wall

 

Now that my house is a garden

Bursting with blossoms in bloom

I stand here for hours admiring my flowers

I’d like to lie down, but there just isn’t room

 

Someone’s been sending me flowers

More than I ever have had

Remarkable stuff but enough is enough

If I see another bouquet, I’ll go mad

 

He started by sending me bluebells

Oddly enough, they were grey

Each faded bloom had a nasty perfume

Besides being grey, they were papier-mache

 

There followed a garland of fungus

Then, as a tropical treat

He sent me a plant that proceeded to pant

And later began to eat meat

 

The cactus corsage touched me deeply

A beautiful plant in its prime

I felt much the same when the rock garden came

One rock at a time

 

Somebody madly adores me

I know not whom to suspect

Since I cannot afford to be madly adored

I do wish you’d stop sending flowers … collect.

 

Here's Blossom Dearie performing it.

 

Updated On: 9/3/15 at 04:26 PM

[Smaxie]

Posted: 9/3/15 at 4:44pm

And Lorenz Hart's "At the Roxy Music Hall" from I Married an Angel.

 

You’ve got to come to New York

It would be such a pity

For anyone to go through life

Without seeing Roxy City

The first thing foreigners do in New York is to look at Roxy City

 

Oh, come with me and you won’t believe a thing you see

Where an usher puts his heart in what he ushes

Where the fountain changes color when it gushes

Where the seats caress your carcass with their plushes

At the Roxy Music Hall

 

Hold my hand, don’t be frightened when you hear that band

It comes up like Ali Baba from the cellar

Through the courtesy of Mr. Rockefeller

Then they play the Overture from William Tell-er

At the Roxy Music Hall

 

You don’t have to read the ad

It’s always worth the dough

Anytime you go

It’s the same old show

 

Don’t be shy if a naked statue meets your eye

Where the ballet is so sweet with birds and roses

That you break out with a rash before it closes

At the Roxy Music Hall

 

Step this way, hear the super duper organ play

Where they change the lights a million times a minute

And the stage goes up and down when they begin it

It’s a wonder Mrs. Roosevelt isn’t in it

At the Roxy Music Hall

 

Come along, hear them sing the Volga Boatmen’s Song

Where the acrobats are whirling on their digits

And the balcony’s so high you get the fidgets

Where the actors seem to be a lot of midgets

At the Roxy Music Hall

 

If you’re lost while climbing up and find the going hard

They are on their guard

They send a St. Bernard

 

Oh, come with me where the drinking cups are always free

It’s a wonderland where everyone is Alice

Where the ladies room is bigger than a palace

At the Roxy Music Hall

 

Here's original cast member Audrey Christie performing it.  

 

Updated On: 9/3/15 at 04:44 PM

[lovebwy]

Posted: 9/3/15 at 5:02pm

The Boy From... (From The Mad Show)

TALL AND TENDER, LIKE AN APOLLO,
HE GOES WALKING BY, AND I HAVE TO FOLLOW HIM,
THE BOY FROM TACAREMBO LA TUMBE DEL FUEGO SANTA MALIPAS ZATATECAS LA JUNTA DEL SOL Y CRUZ. ("crooth"

WHEN WE MEET, I FEEL I'M ON FIRE
AND I'M BREATHLESS EVERYTIME I ENQUIRE,
"HOW ARE THINGS IN TACAREMBO LA TUMBE DEL FUEGO SANTA MALIPAS ZATATECAS LA JUNTA DEL SOL Y CRUZ." ("crooth"

WHY, WHEN I SPEAK, DOES HE VANISH?
OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO.
WHY IS HE ACTING SO CLANNISH?
OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO.
I WISH I UNDERSTOOD SPANISH.
WHEN I TELL HIM I THINK HE'S THE END,
HE GIGGLES A LOT WITH HIS FRIEND.

TALL AND SLENDER, MOVES LIKE A DANCER,
BUT I NEVER SEEM TO GET ANY ANSWER
FROM THE BOY FROM TACAREMBO LA TUMBE DEL FUEGO SANTA MALIPAS ZATATECAS LA JUNTA DEL SOL Y CRUZ. ("crooth"
I GOT THE BLUETH.

WHY ARE HIS TROUSERS VERMILLION?
HIS TROUSERS ARE VERMILLION.
WHY DOES HE CLAIM HE'S CASTILIAN?
HE THAYTH THAT HE'TH CATHTILIAN.
WHY DO HIS FRIENDS CALL HIM LILLIAN?
AND I HEAR AT THE END OF THE WEEK
HE'S LEAVING TO START A BOUTIQUE.

THOUGH I SMILE, I'M ONLY PRETENDING
'CAUSE I KNOW TODAY'S THE LAST I'LL BE SPENDING
WITH THE BOY FROM TACAREMBO LA TUMBE DEL FUEGO SANTA MALIPAS ZATATECAS LA JUNTA DEL SOL Y CRUZ. ("crooth"

TOMORROW HE SAILS.
HE'S MOVING TO WALES,
TO LIVE IN LLANFAIRPWLLGWYNGYLLGOGERYCHWYR NDROBULLLLANDYSILIOGOGOGOCH

Read more at https://www.songlyrics.com/stephen-sondheim/the-boy-from-lyrics/#R8OdGvlUtt8F24R1.99

[Smaxie]

Posted: 9/3/15 at 5:13pm

"Meet the Family," the showstopper from Peter Wildeblood and Peter Greenwell's The Crooked Mile.

 

If a man gets the idea that you’re flibberty-jibberty

And starts gettin’ ready to take a diabolical liberty

If he gives you a line you’re not keen on swallowing

Give him an old-fashioned look

And repeat the following

 

Ta, ever so, ever so ta

That was a lovely compliment

But please remember, I’m a lady

And you’re supposed to be a gent

No, we cannot make it a date

I’m too young to stop out late

But please, tomorrow come to tea

And meet the family

 

Dear ol’ dad’s an all-in wrestler

Weighing-in at nineteen stones

Brother Bill’s a body builder

And his hobby’s breaking bones

Sister Mona tears a phone book

Into little tiny shreds

Come along and meet ‘em

Come along and greet ‘em

They’re a family of thoroughbreds

 

Ta, ever so, ever so ta

That was a lovely compliment

But please remember, I’m a lady

And you’re supposed to be a gent

No, we cannot make it a date

I’m too young to stop out late

But please, tomorrow come to tea

And meet the family

 

There’s a bloodhound in the kitchen

Hasn’t had a bite all day

Uncle Arthur’s back in Dartmoor

Auntie’s with the I.R.A

Grandma’s digging in the cellar

No-one knows where grandpa is

They’re a lot of smashers

Bruisers, boozers, bashers

They’re a family of savages

 

Ta, ever so, ever so ta

That was a lovely compliment

But please remember, I’m a lady

And you’re supposed to be a gent

No, we cannot make it a date

I’m too young to stop out late

But please, tomorrow come to tea

And meet the family

 

Come along and meet ‘em

Come along and greet ‘em

Meet the family

 

Here's Millicent Martin and Elisabeth Welch performing it from the cast album. 

 

Updated On: 9/3/15 at 05:13 PM

[bct14972]

Posted: 9/3/15 at 5:40pm

To Keep My Love Alive by Rodgers and Hart.

 

I've been married and married,
And often I've sighed,
I'm never a bridesmaid,
I'm always the bride.
I never divorced them-
I hadn't the heart.
Yet remember these sweet words
"Till death do us part."

I married many men,

A ton of them,
And yet I was untrue to none of them
because I bumped off ev'ry one of them
to keep my love alive

Sir Paul was a frail;
he looked a wreck to me.
At night he was a horse's neck to me
So I performed an appendectomy
To keep my love alive.

Sir Thomas had insomnia
he couldn't sleep at night.
I bought a little arsenic
he's sleeping now all right.

Sir Philip played the harp;
I cussed the thing.
I crowned with his harp 
to bust the thing. 
And now he plays where harps are
just the thing,
To keep my love alive,
To keep my love alive.

I thought Sir George had possibilities,
but his flirtations made me ill at ease,
and when I'm ill at ease 
I kill at ease
To keep my love alive.

Sir Charles came from a sanatorium
and yelled for drinks in my emporium
I mixed one drink
He's in memorium
To keep my love alive.

Sir Francis was a singing bird
A nightingale. That's why
I tossed him off my balcony
To see if he could fly
Sir Athelstane indulged in fratricide;
He killed his dad and that was patricide
One night I stabbed him at my mattress side
To keep my love alive,
To keep my love alive.

 

Mary Testa kills it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtWTyw95XLQ

 

 

[Jane2]

Posted: 9/3/15 at 6:02pm

"Garlic, garlic"

[firebolts]

Posted: 9/3/15 at 6:20pm

"Just a weekend in the country
Smelling jasmine
Watching little things grow"

 

I chuckle every time I hear this part/the entire scene.

Updated On: 9/3/15 at 06:20 PM

[Comden Green]

Posted: 9/3/15 at 8:09pm

I have never gotten tired of the lyrics of "class" from Chicago.  Those "ladies" are so coarse and crass. Of course their woeful demeanor  is vital for the humor as well.  I hated that it was left out of the film.  

[jv92]

Posted: 9/3/15 at 8:20pm

"Class" take the cake for me. 

[SundayInThePark2]

Posted: 9/3/15 at 8:59pm

Mrs. Bernstein, as equity representative, I must warn you, any further threats and YOU will be brought up on charges!

Aw, shut up, Elaine!

The name... is BAMBI!....Mother. (Show People from Curtains)

[GavestonPS]

Posted: 9/3/15 at 9:28pm

In the theater, I have never laughed as hard or as often as during "Try Priest".

 

"No, you see the trouble with poet

Is 'ow do you know it's deceased?

Try the priest."

 

But some of my reaction was no doubt comic relief from what had gone before.

 

So for an entire comic lyric, it's hard to beat the version of the following that debuted in SIDE BY SIDE BY SONDHEIM:

 

WE’RE GONNA BE ALRIGHT

 

Honey Bunch, sad to say but I have a hunch
Screen romances went out-to-lunch -- that's no reason to pout.
Don't look bleak -- happy endings can spring a leak,
'Ever after can mean one week,
We're just having a drought.
Smile and sweat it out.

 

If we can just hang on, we'll have compatibility
You musn't worry -- we're gonna be alright.
One day the ache is gone.
(There's nothing like senility.)
So what's your hurry -- we're gonna be alright.

 

Meanwhile, relax.
You take a lover, I'll take a lover
When that's played-out, they get the axe.
We can retire,  sit by the fire.
Fade out.

 

We'll build our house upon
The rock of my virility
We'd better scurry -- we're gonna be all night.
Oh boy -- we're gonna be alright.

 

I was told just be faithful and never scold,
Sounded easy so I was sold -- I've been miserable since.
I was taught when the prince and the dragon fought
That the dragon was always caught,
Now I don't even wince
When it eats the prince.

 

I know I perfect pair -- they're lives are at the pinnacle.
But how do we know they're gonna be alright.
The bride is slightly square, the groom is slightly cynical
A little vino -- they're gonna be alright.

 

She aims to please.  She has a baby
Then though they maybe having fine times
When there's a crise, she has another
Now she's a mother
Nine times.

 

It all went wrong -- but where?
Details are slightly clinical.
She's out in Reno.  The kids adored the flight.
Hi ho -- they're gonna be alright.

 

Honey Child, bury everything.  Learn to smile
Happy couples can stay in style just by practicing charm.
All is well ('least as far as their friends can tell).
Please ignore the peculiar smell -- there's no cause for alarm.
(Mildew will do harm.)

 

She once was quite well read.
He once was intellectual.
No one's suspicious -- they're gonna be alright.
She's nice and sweet and dead.
He's tall and ineffectual.
They look delicious -- they're gonna be alright.

 

Who's on the skids?  She goes to night school
(If it's the right school, he'll permit her.)
They love their kids, they love their friends too
Lately he tends to
Hit her.

 

Sometimes she drinks in bed,
Sometimes he's homosexual,
But why be vicious?  They keep it out of sight?
Good show -- they're gonna be all right.
And so -- they're gonna be alright.
Hi ho -- we're gonna be alright."

 

Trust me, kids. Although it seems tame now, "sometimes he's homosexual" was hilarious, multi-layered stuff in the mid-1970s.

Updated On: 9/3/15 at 09:28 PM

[ggersten]

Posted: 9/3/15 at 10:46pm

It's hard to top The Grass Is Always Greener - especially where each line one-ups the next:

"There's more to life than husbands"

"I could use a husband" (laugh)

"You can have my husband (LAUGH)

"Iv'e already had your husband"  (MAJOR LAUGH)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQpE15e4Zbo  (OBC)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqPLNRNLvbA (maryilyn cooper and raquel welch on later Tony broadcast)